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A Climber’s Guide to Surviving COVID-19 (Part 2 of a two-part series)

Last week we published the first part of A Climber's Guide to Surviving COVID-19. Now with the COVID-19 pandemic in full swing (and many climbers becoming more than little stir crazy), it seems appropriate to release the second part of this useful series.

So, without any further delay, here is A Climber's Guide to Surviving COVID-19 (Part 2):
Climb Everything
It used to be that you had to go to a geological formation or abandoned porn theatre to get your climbing-fix on, but in today's changing reality, the boundaries of what's climbable have totally exploded. Climb a building? Sure, buildings are a tried and true resource for clambering. Climb a table or chair? Yup, now you don't just have to be drunk to get your climb on. But come on, let's get creative. What else can you climb? Your closet? Your bed? Why not try to go caving in your washing machine? Or better yet, have you ever wondered how strong your clothes rack or shower curtain is? In this time of adversity, it's time to get imaginative. Climb around your husband, your dog, or maybe a horse. Instagram was made for this moment. It's time to rise above and get posting!
Take Up Climbing Art
Sure, you have always depended on your climbing gear to keep you safe and alive. That's what it was designed for, and in general, it works pretty well. But that's not all your gear can do. During these challenging times, you're about to discover how your gear can do more than save your life – it can also preserve your sanity. That's right, now is the time to find your inner Picasso or Dali. Now is the time to create climbing art. Not sure where to start? Go slow. There's no rush. 

Project number one: The Coiled Snake. First, clear a large space in your living room, and take out your sweet new 70m 9.2mm Dry Fusion NanoTEK Dynamic rope. Next, start uncoiling your rope on the floor to make a giant spiral. Voila! You now have a huge round carpet that would equal anything found at Ikea. Your partner might even like how it matches the drapes. Just don't step on it. 

If you are a Trad Climber, this is your chance to finally use your double ropes. Project two: The Yin and Yang of Climbing Rope. You get it, right? Good, now that you've started, it's time to get creative. Think landscape motifs. Setting Sun on the Patagonia range? Lovely. The Spring Migration of Camalots over Mount Webbing? Brilliant! When it comes to climbing gear art, the sky is the limit. You've got this.
  •  Take Isolation to the Next Level

    Take Isolation to the Next Level

Take Isolation to the Next Level
Have you ever wondered if there is a cliff at mile 769 just north of Kapuskasing? What about that rock band you saw once on a flight to Winnipeg? It was somewhere near Kenora, wasn't it? Since you have to be alone, now more than ever, why not explore possible new crags in the far north? Who knows, you may discover the cliff that represents Ontario's greatest untapped potential. Sure, you have to drive for 15 hours to get to the non-existent trailhead, and then bushwhack through mile-after-mile of bear-infested quagmire. But it will all be worth it. Once you discover this mythical crag, you will become legend. If, however, you get lost. Don't bother bringing a SAT phone. The people who could save you have more important shit to do. That one's on you.
Get a Climbing Tattoo
Have you ever wanted to commemorate your love for climbing with a permanent mark on your body? Sure, you could take a 50-foot whipper and fracture half your spine to get some sweet-ass body art. But why not do something more civilized. Why not get a tattoo! Social isolation has made getting a tattoo at a parlour more of a challenge. But fear not! Years of imprisonment have helped others develop and refine the pinnacle of body inking – The Prison Tattoo. A quick internet search will land you on Kali "Swole" Tats webpage where you can learn to modify your razor, a ballpoint pen and paperclip to start making your own at home masterpieces. Screw up the first one? Don't worry; you have an entire body to work with. Mistakes never stopped Mr. Malone. The real question should be, what art to create? For the uninspired (aka sport climber), why not put a quick draw on your forearm? For the historically inclined, why not put your own "Ansel Adams" styled Half Dome across your back? Or perhaps you are more adventurous? Why not do your own Tramp-Stamp Camming Device pointing down towards your crack. Now that would be something to remember.
  •  Buy a Tanning Bed

    Buy a Tanning Bed

Buy a Tanning Bed
This last one isn't really climbing related, but since it's going to be months before you can get your pasty self out into the sun, you might as well do something useful with your time. Get a tanning bed. Work on your Golden God Bod. You've trained for months over the winter, and it's likely you're going to lose all of your fitness. But that doesn't mean you can't look hawt once you do finally get out to the crag. Now, more than ever, is the time to do something useful – tan. What else can you do really?
Join the discussion of this and other climbing related stories at www.ontarioclimbing.com/forum/
Buddysnack is an accomplished OntarioClimbing.com forum bard and prominent online route developer (famous for his discovery of the legendary GMAC). He is credited with starting the short-lived but infamous shirtless/jeans ice climbing craze. He has also been climbing in Ontario long enough to remember a time before hammocks, drones and polished holds. His insights into the obscure aspects of climbing humour and culture have made him an inspiring trendsetter and motivational icon for the next generation of future climbers.